I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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