Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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