I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize