If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize