I can text with my tongue
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
and she was petting her beer can
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
