I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
