cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
