I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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