I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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