two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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