I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Panties = found
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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