if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
