I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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