When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
