My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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