If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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