he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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