do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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