He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
