listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
