Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
