thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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