It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
