So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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