do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
