the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
