that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
