You just made me feel so damn special
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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