I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
