im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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