I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize