Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I AM VODKA MAN
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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