In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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