ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
