I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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