Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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