The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
