Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
