Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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