omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
this beer tastes like vomit already
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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