Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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