Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
