I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize