its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
