so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
