I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
