stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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