This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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