I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
