She announced her abortion via fbk
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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