there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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