When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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